I just wrote a piece about some comments made by Professor John Orman of Fairfield University in Connecticut.   He has filed a complaint with the state intended to keep Joe Lieberman off the November ballot as a candidate for the U.S. Senate.  He has accused Senator Lieberman of "doing anything he can to get his name on the ballot" (including being the top polling candidate in the state, I suppose).

In the course of writing my first piece I came across an article written for the Fairfield Mirror in March 2005  about Professor Orman.    At first I didn't think it was worth commenting on.  However, one small part of the article keeps rattling around in my head.

First, some background:  It seems that the professor harbors political ambitions.  You know the type.   "Oh, I've got to run.  The people need me to take over and lead before the current criminal class in politics ruins everything."

It was a calling apparently.   Also in the article (by Ben Doody), there were other "callings."  As a matter of fact Hollywood and L.A. were calling.

Yep.   When Professor John Orman was contemplating his run he was quoted in the article as saying, "I got messages from Hollywood and L.A. saying 'Go get him!' "

Messages from Hollywood and L.A.?   About a senatorial race in Connecticut?   Does Hollywood and L.A. reach out to dictate terms to other parts of the country about who should run to represent their state for the Democratic Party?  Do we have the DNC headquarters in the wrong town? 

Well, unfortunately the answer is probably "yes".   But, I doubt seriously that Hollywood-L.A.  called Professor Orman out of the blue and said, 'Go get him!' 

It was probably more like, "Who?...John Orman?...Who's John Orman?...So what?...He wants to run for what?...Against Lieberman?...What's wrong with Lieberman?...Oh, he voted for the war and now thinks the war is the right thing.    Well, we can't have that.  Go get him."

Yep.   Go get him, Professor.   And while you're waiting to be called to do your political duty as a candidate why don't you get busy and grade a few papers? 

Democrats are such graceful competitors. The local Dems in Connecticut are pulling out their little pop guns to try and keep Joe Lieberman off the ballot in November’s senate election. The rationale is amazing, and so is the involvement of one of Connecticut’s finest political science professors, Professor John Orman of Fairfield University.  We'll get back to Professor Orman a little later, but I do want to mention that according to a WaPo article Professor Orman was one of Joe Lieberman’s challengers over the last couple of years prior to the emergence of Ned Lamont.

Now, I am not naïve enough to believe that political science professors are unbiased. They are apparently not asked by their administrators and colleagues to even fake an unbiased approach to teaching political science nor are they asked to mask their own political leanings. I guess you can get a doctorate in political science by being “appropriately” politically biased in this country.

There are some serious questions here:

1. Do political science professors, in order to become political science professors, find that the path of least resistance to becoming a professor is to copy or reflect the political biases of their mentors? (This might explain why we have such a serious problem with inbred liberalism in the average university political science department).
2. Is there a Darwinist kind of selection process here? (Only liberals need apply. Conservatives stand little chance of achieving professorial status as their philosophical posture will be a point of bias throughout the mentorship and peer review processes they must endure).
3. Is a political science professorship just a holding area for failed politicians who can’t hack it in the political light of day?
4. Is your average political science department just an amateur arena for irresponsible political ideas to last much longer than they deserve?
5. Is there any science taught in political science anymore?

Apparently, Professor Orman’s status as a professor gives him the portfolio to offer profound commentary about Joe Lieberman regarding his forming a “fake” political party and “doing anything he can to get his name on the ballot.”   Apparently Professor Orman file a complaint with the state trying to keep Joe Lieberman off the ballot.   Yep, sure wouldn't want anybody on the ballot who might win.

This sounds like something Stalin/Lenin/Hitler/Kurschev/Pol Pot/Saddam Hussein would do?   Is that where you get your political philosophies, Professor Orman?    From guys like Stalin/Lenin/Hitler/Kurschev/Pol Pot/Saddam Hussein?

Is there something wrong with doing anything you can to get your name on a ballot, Professor Orman? Isn’t that what politics in a free country is all about?

And what about the fact (and yes, it is a fact) that polling shows that Joe Lieberman is preferred by Connecticut voters over any other current senatorial candidate? Is Connecticut some special place where democracy can be circumvented by some obscure political-legal-technical maneuver? Do we have to have some higher political authority actually “authorize” a candidate? Just who would that be? You, Professor Orman? What about the will of the people, Professor Orman?

First, Professor Orman, Joe Lieberman is not pulling a political stunt here. He is currently the most popular candidate for that senate seat in the state of Connecticut. That alone should qualify him for the ballot. In fact, I don’t believe that any ballot that would exclude Joe Lieberman could be considered legitimate at all.

We all know what this is. It is the Democratic Party trying to cover up a mistake. They made the mistake of allowing a small, incredibly left-leaning group of voters determine the outcome of Connecticut’s senate primary. They are now shocked to find out that once Joe Lieberman was free of the yoke of official Democratic Party horsepucky, he has a broader appeal with Connecticut’s voters than N.L. does. His general popularity in the state could well torpedo the “legitimate” Democratic candidate.   Labor Day's coming up and we haven't seen the full blown Democratic Party-Ned Lamont media extravaganza yet, so you can be sure that there are more tricks to be played.

What’s fascinating about this is that a well adjusted Democratic Party would see this as a win-win. They have two candidates in the race and there is little chance that one of them won’t win. But they don’t want to play it that way. They want Big Joe out and Little Neddie in.

Joe backed the wrong horse, they think. He wanted to defend this country -- his country.

As all of you know our military has different branches of service made up of different people with different backgrounds and training.   One could even say these branches of the service have different cultures (if one were stupid enough to refer to himself as "one" and at the same time be stupid enough to refer groups of people as "cultures").   

I personally am a veteran of the Navy (not retired, just a vet).   My father was a Navy vet also (WW II).     I still work with Navy folks here in sunny San Diego.    

The writeup below is from an anonymous, unattributed, mysterious but highly entertaining email that describes how some of our military branches differ.   Once again, I DID NOT WRITE THIS, but if you are the author please comment or write to me and I'll attribute the piece to you.

---------------------------------
RULES FOR BRANCHES OF THE MILITARY  

US Marine Corps Rules:

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

US Navy SEAL's Rules:

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.
5. Wait for the the Marines to deploy off amphibious ships.

US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher UP" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:

1. Select a new beret to wear.
2. Sew patches on right shoulder.
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.

US Air Force Rules:

1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" PowerPoint presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen and invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.

US Navy Rules:

1. Go to Sea.
2. Drop off SEALs
3. Drink Coffee.
4. Deploy the Marines.
5. Sit off shore and watch the fire works
6. Drink Coffee

I didn’t like him when he was president and I want to ignore his existence now. My wife will tell you that I expended a good chunk of my emotional reserve yelling at the television, radio, and newspapers for propping up a worthless, spineless president who didn’t belong in that office. Is he affable? Maybe. Is he smart? Not as smart as the people around him tell him he is. Is he calculating and manipulative? Too a fault. Is he a good actor? Anybody who can’t see through his act shouldn’t play poker. Is he a man? We’ll get back to that.

We’re talking about Bill Clinton and he’s thrust his dipstick into the political dialogue again. He’d like to be a mainstream voice in politics, but who cares? Really, who cares?

I’m really much happier with a newspaper that doesn’t mention Bill Clinton and for eight years or so newspapers like that were pretty hard to come by. There was hardly a day when he wasn’t promising 100,000 cops, 100,000 nurses, 100,000 teachers, 100,000 gay service members, and I think he even proposed 100,000 puppies at one time. We have Dick Morris to thank for some of that, and, in spite of Dick’s most heroic efforts to seek redemption, I have not totally forgiven him.

Now, Bill Clinton feels compelled to weigh in on Iraq. As if the hollow arguments against the war on Iraq aren’t enough, he has to echo them. Clinton’s too tired to even put a new spin on them. (“Iraq is a distraction.” “Iraq doesn’t have anything to do with the war on terror.” “Focus on Iraq has stopped us from finding Bin Laden and now Afghanistan is becoming a problem again.” “There were no WMD’s.”)

None of this is true, but it doesn’t matter. The lack of truth in a Democratic Party Talking Points Mantra doesn’t matter. If you’re going to drone on and on about something it is simply not important if what you’re saying has any truth to it -- and Bill Clinton knows it. This type of truth-free tactic is number one in the Democratic Party playbook. Why not? The truth wasn’t a requirement for Bill to get elected twice.

Bill apparently feels compelled now to weigh in against Joe Lieberman. Clinton has commented on whether a vote for Ned Lamont is a vote against national security and has stated that even though Democrats voted with Joe Lieberman (Hillary included) regarding the Iraq resolution, “there were almost no Democrats who agreed with his position…”

One other thing:  Bill chose to warn Republicans "not to play politics with this London airport thing..."   Apparently, the Democrats are a bit uncomfortable with the idea that the Bush administration is sharing in the credit for thwarting a large terrorist plot (Britain and Pakistan got the lion's share of the credit).   Hillary also chose to come out and remind the nation that the Republicans aren't that good at security.   Apparently neither one of them could stand the thought that Americans might believe that Republicans are more effective on security than Democrats and the "London airport thing" was an inconvenient truth.  Do you think Bill and Hillary talked on the phone about this one?  It's nice to see them communicating again.

There are a lot of ways to read what Bill is doing. I read it as a simple threading of disconnected ideas in an effort to protect Hillary. Hillary’s hubby is blocking and tackling and laying the groundwork for her “I voted for it but I didn’t mean it” defense of her Iraq resolution vote. Bill still thinks that a lot of people will take his word for it even when what he says makes no sense.

I also say, keep your hands off Joe, Bill.    First of all, there are a lot of people who will just vote the opposite of anything you think you stand for.   "If Bill's for it, it can't be good."  Secondly, nobody wants to hear from you anymore.   You were pretty irrelevant as a president and you're terribly irrelevant now.   I used to tell people, "The Clinton administration proved that we can run the country for an extended period of time without a president."   Unfortunately, the neglect, particularly in maintaining our national security and facing down our enemies has come home to roost.

Bill Clinton has never made sense to me. I don’t believe he’s that attractive or that smart (unless you think it’s smart to have government paid goons round up intimidated women for harassment and sexual abuse). I don’t understand why anyone thinks he’s a great speaker. He has a poor sense of humor and a limited oratorical range. He may be somebody’s idea of a bubba, but I’d rather go partying with Larry the Cable Guy.

Is Bill Clinton a man? Biologically, I suppose.  Don’t ask Hillary, though. The memories may be too distant for her to verify anything.  By the way, does anybody know how many nights the Clinton's have spent together since they left the White House?

Is Bill Clinton a Real Guy? Never.  He's still whipped.

I haven’t heard the interview yet, but I can imagine. I checked out snippets on the CBS website, and already have the feeling that Mike Wallace let the guy off the hook. We’re talking about President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran. Mike Wallace, the Rather network’s standing jokeline (“You know it’s going to be a bad day when Mike Wallace shows up at your office and…”) snagged the big one and may have fumbled it.

The CBS spin machine is in high gear with ads and website announcements and double bookings (“CBS Evening News” and “60 Minutes”). There is some previewing of the interview content indicating that President Ahmadinejad was given every opportunity to criticize the world (the Bush administration) as he sees it without having to account for his own behavior.

Here’s a little secret about this guy, Mike. He’s, to borrow an apropos term from Michael Medved, a nutburger. He’s a sneaky-smart little nutburger, but a nutburger just the same.

Apparently, when this incredibly dangerous goofball was given the opportunity in the interview he complained about the “makeup” and “behavior” of the administration. I think he’s been talking to Nancy Pelosi, Michael Moore, and Howard Dean. Maybe what he really wants to do is to come here and run for the Senate as a Democrat. Unfortunately, I suspect that when we actually see the interview or get a chance to read the transcript that we’ll find that he was not called to task for the makeup and behavior of his own administration.

Just as a reminder – President Ahmadinejad and/or his administration has denied the Holocaust, funded and supplied numerous terrorist groups (Hezbollah, Hamas, and probably Al-Quaeda for starters), initiated a Middle East nuclear arms race, openly called for the destruction of Israel, and written the most indecipherable and rambling letter (18 pages) that could ever be referred to in respectable company as diplomatic correspondence.

According to CBS’s website writeup on the interview in his letter to the administration (Note:  He doesn't complain about the U.S. - just the Bush administration) he “wanted to open a window towards the light for the president.” Did Mike ask him just how it is that he thinks he knows where “the light” is? We’ll see. He also threatens the President and probably the U.S. when he says, “Those who refuse to accept an invitation will not have a good ending or fate.” He expressed concern about President Bush’s approval rating. Did Mike call him to task for any of this hogwash? We’ll see.

If I get a chance to interview the Little Corporal here’s what I’ll ask him:

1. Why do you hate America?

2. Why do you hate the Bush Administration?

3. Why do you hate Jews?

4. Why do you hate Israel?

5. Why do you hate Sunni Muslims?  

6. While we're on the subject, is there any time left in your average workday after you're done hating everyone?

7. Does Iran provide financial and material support to Hezbollah, Hamas, or Al Quaeda? Which groups? How much? Do you provide training and military personnel to work with these organizations?

8. Do women have equal rights in Iran? Can they vote? Can they go to Universities and become lawyers, doctors, engineers, artists, and business owners? Can they dress as they wish? Can they drive?

9. Is homosexuality against the law in Iran?

10. Is Iran going to adopt Sharia law or has it already? Can Imam’s or Muslim clerics order death sentences? Is there an appeal process for punishment under Sharia law? Are lawyers involved? Courts? Due process?

11. What rights do Iranian citizens have? Freedom of speech? Freedom of Religion?

12. Are Christians, Jews, or Buddhists welcome in Iran? Do they have the same rights and protections as Muslims? Are Christians, Jews, and Buddhists infidels? Are there laws against assault and murder in Iran? Do laws against assault and murder only apply to Muslims? Is it all right to assault or kill Christians, Jews, or Buddhists?

13. What does Iran ultimately want – domination of the Middle East?

14. As a final question, can people in Iran read any book or newspaper or website they want?

That’s a start. I’m looking forward to Mike’s interview. I need to throw more things at the TV.

A friend of mine sent me the following examples of similes/metaphors/analogies (what's the difference again?) that appeared in high school essays of one type or another. It appears that most of them are the product of some kind of torturous English assignment, and, if I had to guess, more than half of them were written by young up-and-coming Real Guys.

IT IS IMPORTANT TO REITERATE THAT I DID NOT WRITE THESE. I simply thought they were funny and I'm just offering them as humor to take the edge off of another challenging Real Guy Day.

-----------------------

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame...maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

 As promised here are the...

Answers to Yesterday's Real Guy Quiz

Question 1. Who were the "Three Kings"?

Answer:
(1.) Davy Crockett - "King of the Wild Frontier"
(2.) Sky King - "King of the Western Skies"
(3.) Roy Rogers - "King of the Cowboys."

Some argue that there was a fourth king -- Gene Autry, King of the Singing Cowboys. However, by all accounts there weren't actually enough singing cowboys to rate a king. Besides, Roy Rogers was a singing cowboy and was already King of the Cowboys. This issue creates logic problems that make it easier to just ignore Mr. Autry's stature with regard to any kind of royal lineage. This should not, by any means, be construed to mean that Mr. Autry was anything less than a great man and a genuine Real Guy.

Question 2. What is the best movie series of all time...
(a.) Rocky?
(b.) James Bond?
(c.) Die Hard?

Answer: This is a trick question similar to the types of divide-and-conquer questions that non-Real Guys use to get us Real Guys to try and fight each other.   The real answer to this question is that you should own them all and there is absolutely no point in rating them against each other.

Question 3. What is the appropriate kind of food and drink to serve when you host a Shannon Tweed video festival at your house?

Answer: It depends on whether you plan to watch Ms. Tweed's movies straight through (complex carbs and caffeine) or fast forward to the "meaningful" scenes -- if you know what I mean and I think you do** (beer, chips, hot dogs, hamburgers, pie).

** The phrase "if you know what I mean and I think you do" has been made famous by Joe Bob Briggs (alias John Bloom) the world's greatest drive-in/B-movie film critic. Joe Bob Briggs claims to have seen over 6,800 drive-in movies by the tender but worldly age of 19 (at about 1 hour and 37 minutes per movie plus travel time...well, do the math). We will borrow Joe Bob's phraseology from time to time with a full acknowledgement that we did not originate it. Real Guys borrow good stuff and always, without exception, acknowledge where it came from (when we can remember).

So you want to know if  you're a Real Guy, huh?

In an effort to help you answer this question and to call attention to Real Guy issues in a thoughtful and poignant way (if you want to be a Real Guy don't use the word "poignant" in conversation -- ever) we will publish a quiz on occasion to help you sharpen your Real Guy Aptitude. Our fervent hope ("fervent" isn't such a good word either) is that after several weeks or months of struggling with these quizzes you will begin to get the whole concept of "Real Guyness."

General Real Guy Quiz Taking Procedures:

1.  Get out a blank sheet of paper.
2.  Read the questions and write down your answers.
3.  Lock your answers in a hermetically sealed lockbox (or a safe). 
4.  Wait with baited breath until tomorrow when you can read the answers.
5.  Learn from your mistakes.

Here is our first Real Guy Quiz.

_________________________________

1. Who were the "Three Kings"?

2. What is the best movie series of all time...

(a.) Rocky?

(b.) James Bond?

(c.) Die Hard?

3. What is the appropriate kind of food and drink to serve when you host a Shannon Tweed video festival at your house?

This is the second half of a collection of great modern day military quotes that I received via email recently.    Enjoy! ...Sorry, lost my head there for a moment.  Real Guys don't say "enjoy" as a complete declarative sentence.   While we're on the subject, Real Guys don't use the word "cute" or say "taa taa" either.  
-------------------------------

"Nothing is too good for you guys...and that's exactly what you're gonna get..."

"I keep myself confused on purpose, just in case I am captured and fall into enemy hands!"

"The only thing that sucks worse than being me is being you..."

"I have to know what I don't know..."

"No. Now I'm simply confused at a higher level..."

"If I'd had more time, I'da written a shorter brief..."

"Never in the history of the US Armed Forces have so many done so much for so few..." MAJ (Task Force Warrior) on the "success" of the Free Iraqi Forces (FIF) Training Program, where 1100 Army troops trained 77 Iraqi exiles at the cost of, ...well, ...way too much...

"He who strives for the minimum rarely attains it."

"Our days are spent trying to get some poor, unsuspecting third world country to pony up to spending a year in a sweltering desert, full of pissed off Arabs who would rather shave the back of their legs with a cheese grater than submit to foreign occupation by a country for whom they have nothing but contempt."

"I guess the next thing they'll ask for is 300 US citizens with Hungarian last names to send to Iraq..."

"Between us girls, would it help to clarify the issue if you knew that Hungary is land-locked?" CDR to MAJ (EUCOM) on why a deployment from Hungary is likely to proceed by air vice sea.

"So, what do you wanna do?"..."I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?"..."I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?," etc. COL (DIA) describing the way Office of the Under Secretary of Defense (Strategy) develops and implements their strategies.

"I'll be right back. I have to go pound my nuts flat..."

"I guess this is the wrong power cord for the computer, huh?" LtCol (EUCOM) after the smoke cleared from plugging his 110V computer into a 220V outlet.

"OK, this is too stupid for words."

"When you get right up to the line that you're not supposed to cross, the only person in front of you will be me!"

"There's nothing wrong with crossing that line a little bit, it's jumping over it buck naked that will probably get you in trouble..."

"Never pet a burning dog."

"You're not a loser. You're just not my kind of winner..."

"I work at EUCOM. I know bullsh_t when I see it."

"You only know as much as you don't know."

"I'm just livin' the dream..." EUCOM staffer response to the question, "How's it going?" or, "What are you doing?"

"I'm just ranting...I have nothing useful to say."

"Why would an enemy want to bomb this place and end all the confusion?"

"Other than the fact that there's no beer, an early curfew and women that wear face coverings for a very good reason, Kabul is really a wonderful place to visit."

"It was seen, ...visually."

"Let me tell you about the benefits of being on a staff..."

"This should be a short conversation."

"Hello gentlemen. Are we in today or are you just ignoring my request?"

"After seeing the way this place works, I bet that Mickey Mouse wears a EUCOM watch."

"Your Key Issues are so 2003..."

"USCENTCOM commanders announced today that they intend to maintain their presence in Qatar "until the sun runs out of hydrogen," thus committing the US to the longest duration deployment in human history. When asked how they planned to maintain the presence in Qatar for a projected length of 4 to 5 billion years, planners said "we're working on a plan for that. We don't have one yet, but not having a plan or an intelligent reason to do something has never been much of an impediment for us in the past; we don't foresee it being a big show stopper for us in the future either." Among the options that were being discussed was an innovative program to "interbreed" the deployed personnel. "We are going to actively encourage the military members in Qatar to intermarry and raise children that will replace them in the future. Sure, it may be a little hard on some of our female service members, since there currently are about 8 men for every woman over there, but we expect that to be OBE as the sex ratios will even out in a generation or two. In any case the key to the plan is to make these assignments not only permanent, but inheritable and hereditary. For example, if you currently work the JOC weather desk, so will your children, and their children, and their children, ad infinitum. We like to think of it as job security."

"That's FUBIJAR." Fu--ed Up, But I'm Just a Reservist...

"Does anybody around here remember if I did anything this year?"

"I'd be happy to classify this document for you. Could you tell me its classification?"

"I'm planning on taking the weekend off...notionally..."

"I've heard of 'buzzwords' before but I have never experienced a 'buzz sentence' or a 'buzz paragraph' until today."

"We've got to start collaborating between the collaboration systems."

"Our plan for the Olympics is to take all the ops and put it in the special room we have developed for ops."

"Did you hear that NPR is canning Bob Edwards?" "Why? Did they catch him standing up for the National Anthem or something??"

"Not to be uncooperative, but we're just being uncooperative."

"He cloaked himself in an impenetrable veneer of terminology."

"Transformation has long been the buzzword for those that are dispossessed, dispirited and disillusioned..."

"There are more disconnects on this issue than CENTCOM has staff officers."

"Is that a Navy or a Marine admiral?"
--------------------

NEXT UP AT THE HOME OF THE REAL GUYS:  ARE YOU A REAL GUY?

Take the Real Guy Quiz tomorrow and find out.

Some Good Military Quotes - Part 1

Here is some more stuff from the "I didn't write 'em, I'm just passin' them on" category.

A friend of mine sent me an email that had made the rounds on the Internet for the second or third time. This is the first part of it.

These are some great quotes from modern military personnel (who shall remain anonymous). Part of the fun is imagining the context in which these comments were being made.

Happy reading.

----------------------------------------------------------------

"Ah, the joys of Paris: a unique chance to swill warm wine and be mesmerized by the dank ambrosia of unkempt armpits..."

"We are now past the good idea cutoff point..."

"Eventually, we have to 'make nice' with the French, although, since I'm new in my job, I have every expectation that I'll be contradicted."

"Nobody ever said you had to be smart to make 0-6."

"None of us is as dumb as all of us."

"I haven't complied with a darn thing and nothing bad has happened to me yet."

"Whatever happened to good old-fashioned military leadership? Just task the first two people you see."

"Accuracy and attention to detail take a certain amount of time."

"I seem to be rapidly approaching the apex of my mediocre career."

"Much work remains to be done before we can announce our total failure to make any progress."

"It's not a lot of work unless you have to do it."

"Creating smoking holes (with bombs) gives our lives meaning and enhances our manliness."

"You can get drunk enough to do most anything, but you have to realize going in that there are some things that, once you sober up and realize what you have done, will lead you to either grab a 12-gauge or stay drunk for the rest of your life."

"Once you accept that a dog is a dog, you can't get upset when it barks."

"That guy just won't take 'yes' for an answer."

"Let's just call Lessons Learned what they really are: institutionalized scab picking."

"I can describe what it feels like being a Staff Officer in two words: distilled pain."

"When all else fails, simply revel in the absurdity of it all."

"Never attribute to malice that which can be ascribed to sheer stupidity."

"I hear so much about Ft. Bragg. Where is it?"

“It's in the western part of southeastern North Carolina."

"I've become the master of nodding my head and acting like I give a sh_t, and then instantly forgetting what a person was saying the moment they walk away."

"Mark my words, this internet thing is gonna catch on someday."

"The 'L' in CENTCOM stands for leadership..."

"At this Command, we have written in large, black letters: DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) on the back of our security badges."

"'Leaning forward' is really just the first phase of 'falling on your face.'"

"I am so far down the food chain that I've got plankton bites on my butt."

"We're from the nuke shop, sir. We're the crazy aunt in the closet that nobody likes to talk about ..."

"Things are looking up for us here. In fact, Papua-New Guinea is thinking of offering two platoons: one of Infantry (headhunters) and one of engineers (hut builders). They want to eat any Iraqis they kill. We've got no issues with that, but State is being anal about it."

"The chance of success in these talks is the same as the number of "R's" in "fat chance...""

"His knowledge on that topic is only power point deep..."

"Ya know, in this Command, if the world were supposed to end tomorrow, it would still happen behind schedule."

"We are condemned men who are chained and will row in place until we rot."

"If we wait until the last minute to do it, it'll only take a minute."

"The only reason that anything ever gets done is because there are pockets of competence in every command. The key is to find them...and then exploit the hell out of 'em."

"I may be slow, but I do poor work..."

"Cynicism is the smoke that rises from the ashes of burned out dreams."

"WE are the reason that Rumsfeld hates us..."

"Working with Hungary is like watching a bad comedy set on auto repeat..."

"I finally figured out that when a Turkish officer tells you, "It's no problem," he means, for him."

I had a chance to talk to Hugh Hewitt today.  It was a pleasure.   He was in fighting form and was doing the good work he always does by alerting listeners to many of the important issues in Israel's war with Hezbollah.

I felt compelled to call Hugh as he talked to numerous guests (Yoni, John Podhoeretz, Christopher Hitchens, etc.) primarily about the Hezbollah-Israeli war.   One of the things Hugh talked about were the rocket attacks by Hezbollah.  Why don't we hear more outrage from our politicians and media about this?  Over 1,400 rockets have been launched indiscriminately into Israel over the last fifteen days.   As Hugh has pointed out Hezbollah is incapable of directing these weapons to specific targets.  They are not apparently being launched at military targets for the most part.  Hezbollah's employment of the Kaytusha rocket weapons as well as other longer range rockets fits with every definition of the illegal use of weaponry in wartime.  

Given the volume of rockets launched and the continuous nature of the Hezbollah operations, this has become, as Hugh rightfully calls it, the The Longest Sustained Terrorist Act In History.  So why hasn't the media picked up on this and why haven't they characterized it properly?  Why isn't it a top priority for the leaders of civilized countries?  Is it okay for Israel to fight this battle alone?  Why hasn't the U.N. condemned Hezbollah's actions forcefully enough?

If you read our media or watch any of the news channels you get the impression that Hezbollah is impervious to criticism and Israel is on the PR defensive.  You also get the impression that the poor Hezbollah troops are trying hard, but, gosh darn it, they only have WW II era rockets and Toyota pickups and they need a chance to be successful and improve their self esteem.  And while we're at it, Israel needs to lay off and give them the breathing room to improve their competence as a fighting force.    Maybe they'll actually figure out how to point those rockets to hit something.  It's almost as if the media wants to see a fair fight.  

You could come away from a dose of reading our media and believe that out of the massive number of rockets launched by Hezbollah, fewer than a dozen have hit anything meaningful.   The media gives us the impression that there's just no way that this kind of inaccuracy should suffer the response of a competent military operation trying to knock it out. 

I suppose wars are supposed to be fair now.  Wars should have rules of conduct that ensure diversity and balance in the opposing force.  There should be universal condemnation of any form of collateral damage.   Countries shouldn't be allowed to respond "disproportionately". 

This is all hogwash.  10 to 1 is the right ratio.   If you get hit once you hit them 10 times.  They kill one of yours, you kill 10 of theirs.  That, ultimately, is a deterrent that saves lives. 

You want to get people killed?  Send in a U.N. peacekeeping force.

You want to end a war?  Let one side win decisively. 

We, here at the Real Guy Institute for Higher Learning (a friend of mine asked me once, “Higher than what – a bongo bongo snake in a wagon rut?”), are constantly being asked about reading lists for guys.

In fact the last question that came up about this was from an alert reader in Monkey’s Eyebrow, Kentucky who asked,

“Dear Real Guys,

What should I read?

               Dave,

               Monkey’s Eyebrow, Kentucky”

To which one might readily respond, “Just what is your reading level, Dave?” However, upon further examination we decided that we didn’t need to ask Dave anything because he wrote a succinct question with all of the words spelled correctly. The clarity, simplicity, and directness of his question indicated to us a level of intelligence and sophistication reserved for truly great artists, scholars, philosophers, and thinkers. Besides, if he’s like most Real Guys he won’t start reading anything he doesn’t want to read anyway.

So just what good is a reading list, you may ask? You might think of a Real Guy's reading list  as an effective counterpoint to the school-district-approved tripe that students are supposed to read these days - reading that puts more emphasis on multicultural diversity than on solving mysteries, saving lives, or facing the enemy (true Real Guy subject matter).

I had an elementary school teacher tell me once that her students aren’t allowed to read “war books.” War books?!?! I wondered if she meant war books like The Red Badge of Courage, or Guadalcanal Diary, or The Longest Day, or Citizen Soldiers, or Flags of Our Fathers, or War and Peace, or For Whom the Bell Tolls, or Masters of Chaos, or Blackhawk Down, or All Quiet On the Western Front, or A Soldier's Promise, or Band of Brothers, or War of the Worlds.

No war books?!?! What’s left, I asked myself?? Then I calmed down and realized there are sports books, too. I didn’t ask my teacher friend about sports books for two reasons: (1.) I didn’t want to hear a diatribe from her about how much of a corrupting influence competitive sports are, and (2.) she was gone by the time I thought of it. There are also great books about engineering, science, and tools.

While the girls are reading O magazine I think guys should be getting ahead in life by learning how to prevail in business, industry, politics, and military affairs. The girls can get their A’s in math by doing spreadsheet problems to calculate a budget for a wardrobe to cover all four seasons while we guys get C’s in math by solving problems that represent the application of a fighting force of three thousand special operations personnel to defeat the extremist government of a country with a population of 12 million people. The girls can map relationships while the guys map terrain. The girls can write algorithms to optimize their trips through their depression cycles while guys write algorithms to defeat acts of aggression and oppression throughout the world.

Real Guys are interested in baseball, football, and defeating evil whenever we find it no matter how big it is. I think most women wouldn’t mind defeating evil as long as it is something that can be done before dinner.

So, Dave, our advice to you is to read about baseball, football, and defeating evil. Get to know what evil is so when it happens in your neighborhood you can be the guy who stands up and says, “Hey, that was evil!” You should also read enough to give you ideas on how to lead your neighbors in the fight against evil…after dinner.

 

Another great anonymous piece of internet email that I didn't write. Just passin' it on.

The Real Guys
----------------------------------------

The anonymous writer or collector of this piece says: "I have personally experienced all the actions described..... Some more than once!"

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward offa hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mmhowitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style-paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, rubber or plastic parts and the occasional finger or palm.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.